I need some time

Friends been asking me.. why are my FB wall post are so emo these days.. hardly anyone can undertsand how i feel.. even my boyfriend. It;s sad when since childhood you've been neglected pushed aside being called names like 'fatso' 'chubby' ' fat girl'... i pushed aaround all those away.. somehow being an out cased maybe have it's good points where by i dun hang around with bad accompany.

I don;t have much friends.. most bloggers complaint about their lives and evrything... but they always have good friends to be there for them.. Mine's different.. i don;t have much friends as maybe cause the friends that i have usually are 'hi' & 'goodbye' friends.. some of which are only once in a blue moon there for me.. my family isn;t a good source to go to whenever i have my worries my doubts.. My father usually away on business trip coming back only once a month.. He is one of the 2 person which i always share my thoughts and feelings with..

I dunno why since when i was young i've been suffering ... i dunno why can't i just be happy.. Why can't my life go the way i wanted it to.. things i have .. people i have .. i'm just tolerating eveything..

My boyfriend is another.. i really thank god for him as we've been together for 3 and half years.. but lately... things seemed different... maybe i'm thinking too much or just thigs seem to just lose it's flame.. He is a good guy, kind hearted but just he is just have hard to be with...i loved him so much.. but it's just kindda stressful .. having to be dissappointed at the end of the day..

" yesterday we went to double O together, just the both of us.. i'll be wanting hm to enjoy the music and talk to his friends there whom is working.. but.. it strikes my heart when he said

" it's just 2 person and it's boring"

Maybe we've been together for too long.. we just lose our spark towards each other..

" Do you seriosuly need your friends? Am i not enough, one day when you get up your friends have all settle down they'll not have time for you.. in fact.. i always put you first before my friends.. but to you it seemed the other way round"

I've tried my best for you.. trying to tolerate everything.. but i dunno how much longer i can take it..

~

My workplace .. is getting me stress lately... salary is pretty unstable.. i dunno what to do now... i need to set things straight.. i need some time for myself.. i need alcohol..

i need my happy pills. it seems the only person whom can help me now is 'me' .. most of the things i do it on my own.. without help.. i wanna cry.. but i have no more tears..

If this continues on.. this might be the last blog post i'll be posting.. cause suicide is somehow in my mind now.